What happens when you get arrested?

"Please Sir, what happens when you get arrested?"

"That's an interesting question Timmy! Why do you ask?"

"I have questionable Internet habits so it's only a matter of time Sir!"


"Timmy, There are many ways to get arrested. You can go straight for the money shot and punch a policeman in the face. Don't go for a fat one or they might not catch you. Or you could get along to the Changing of the Guard and shout, 'Bomb! I've got a fucking bomb!' Some people prefer the convenience of the Internet with the option to either hack the Pentagon or simply call your girlfriend's mum a slag on Facebook backed up with a picture of your penis."

"Or I could put my football kit on and headbutt a police horse!"

"Yes, Timmy, that's the idea! Anyway, if you come up with a plan, stick with it. Show some backbone. If you do go ahead with your plan, it's highly likely that people called Police Constables will turn up. Have you heard of them?"

"Only in books Sir."

"Yes, well, they might be a bit rough. They'll likely truss you up, bend you over, and do whatever they need to do to make you comply with their wishes."

"My best Internet friend Father Colin says that's what he wants to do to me! He says it's a special secret game that two best friends can play together and never ever tell anyone! Is it a game Sir?"

"Sort of Timmy, sort of. Now listen. What happens next is important. The policemen who arrest you should caution you. They might not, but will say they did in court. They will tell you not to say anything, and some other spiel that goes on forever. Ignore this. If they put you in the police van, you must, and this is important, you must spend the whole journey telling the police officers exactly what you think."

"Oh, I get it Sir! Something like 'Great uniform - It'd look great at the foot of my bed'? or, 'That's a mighty fine flashlight you got there sweetcake?"

"Well, sort of. I was thinking more along the lines of, 'You don't know me! You don't know me bitch! I'm gonna fuck you up! You fuckin' know it. I gonna fuck you up cunt. I'm gonna get my dog fuck your mother bitch.' Something along those lines. You can pep it up a bit with some spitting, maybe smash your face on the floor. If you take that line, your journey to the police station will be much faster, and you'll get a lot of those Police Constables to carry you into the station. Then you get to meet the Custody Sergeant. The Custody Sergeant will ask the Police Constables why you've been arrested. This is called the 'grounds for detention'. The Police Constables have to think really fast, because you've had a right hiding."

"Sir, is that because I've probably failed the attitude test?"

"Yes, Timmy, that's exactly it. Anyway, how are we so far?"

"I'm trying to do my best Sir. I feel safe sitting on your knee"

"Good. What will probably happen is the Custody Sergeant will think you're a right prick, so he'll decide that you're on drugs. He'll then get the Police Constables to take you to Cell 13 and take off your trousers and look up your bottom. After that they'll all lie in a pile on top of you. You get the opportunity to talk about their mothers again. After that, they play a game whereby one by one they'll leave the room until only one Police Constable is left on top of you. You can wrestle each other to try and get out of the cell first. If you don't win, you have to spend the night trying to kick down the cell door until the early shift come on and ask how many sugars you want in your tea."

"Do I have to do a poo and smear it all over the walls?"

"No Timmy. That's advanced stuff. You're in for assault on police. Keep it simple. You won't get the chance anyway because you're what's called 'kicking off'. The Custody Sergeant will order something called a 'probationer.' This is a baby policeman who gets to sit on a chair and stare at you for a long long time. If you're kicking at the door like I suggested, he'll watch you through binoculars from the end of the corridor. Someone that smells of drink will turn up and tell the probationer to 'piss off son'. This is what's called a CID officer. They'll tell you not to bother with a solicitor because it'll only waste time. They might offer you a cigarette or a swig from their hip flask before they ask you to sign for a long list of addresses. These are what's called residential burglaries which you will be helping the CID officer to 'clear up'

"So I can help the police as well as offering to mate my pet dog with their mothers? I like that Sir! I like the police!"

"Yes, Timmy. If you sign that long list you'll make everyone in  the police station very happy indeed! The CID officer will disappear for a long time, and will come back sometime in the mid-afternoon. He'll make you say things, and record them. Don't worry if you get it wrong the first time, he'll smash up the tape and let you have as many attempts as you need. After that, you get to meet the Custody Sergeant again." 

"Oh! Will it be the same one?"

"No, during the day it will be a new Sergeant who does all the work while the real Custody Sergeant is down at Ladbrokes. The CID officer will say he wants to charge you and keep you in so he can get a detection. This means that you might have to spend even longer at the police station. The Custody Sergeant will pretend to listen to what you have to say. He will then agree with the CID officer. The CID officer will then go off to claim lots and lots of overtime while he's down the pub watching Chelsea. At this point, you need to tell the probationer who's staring at you that you're fucking mental and you're going to kill yourself. He'll run and tell the Custody Sergeant who will throw you out of the police station with your trousers. And that's where the story ends Timmy. Does it all make sense?"

"Oh yes Sir. Thank-you ever so much. When I joined the High Potential Scheme they told me that I must never ever go into the Custody Suite or have anything to do with Police Constables. You really are my favourite Borough Commander in the whole wide world!"

"And you, Timmy, are my favourite Chief Inspector. Good night sweet boy."

"Night night Sir."